• 7 Rules for My Death


     

    Sock monkeys in lieu of roses, please. I was writing a post for my PrimeParentsClub.com site about technology and death when I realized that I have rules about my death–not necessarily about how I die (clearly), but about what I want to happen after I die.

    So, I give you:

    Jackie’s Rules for Her Death

    (in no particular order)

    1. No open casket.

    I repeat NO OPEN CASKET. I don’t want people staring at my bloated dead body and talking about how great my hair looks. It’s just creepy. I’m dead. I’m in there. You don’t need to experience that. TRUST ME.

    2. No cremation.

    Ok, I get it–ashes to ashes, dust to dust and stuff. But, it creeps me out. Please don’t put me in a big oven and burn me and expect my kids to be ok with that. Thanks.

    3. No weird videos or pictures on my gravestone.

    Enough said. I want a funny quote that I said on it. (There are many, take your pick.)

    4. Bring sock monkeys, not flowers.

    And then donate them –preferably this one or these–to Appalachian kids after the funeral. (No roses. Ew.)

    5. Don’t put me on some weird postmortem pedestal.


    I know it will be hard, but don’t place me on a pedestal after I die. I want my daughter to know that sometimes I’m not nice and sometimes I say the “F” word, but mostly I try to be a good person (like, 87.895% of the time). (You can leave the part out about my “Real Housewives” watching. Thanks.)

    6. Trend me on Twitter.

    I used to say I didn’t want you to tweet about my death, but I’ve changed my mind. Be sure to tweet all about it using the hashtag #DingDongTheSockMonkeyQueenIsDead.

    7. Have a big party.

    Seriously–go to a beach and have a big stinkin’ margarita party … because life is so much more fun than death, don’t you think?

    What are your rules for your death?

     

  • WritRams 5-Year Twitter Anniversary Giveaway


     

    Today marks my five-year anniversary on Twitter — that equates to 3,722,567,002 minutes of mindless conversation in 140 characters or less … with all of you! (YAY!)

    To commemorate my time spent on Twitter (and my ever spreading ass from sitting in front of a computer), I’m giving away what can only be called:

    THE ULTIMATE WRITRAMS PRIZE PACK

    Win this awesome WritRams tee and rainbow sock monkey!

    I am giving away a @WritRams tee and a rainbow sock monkey. TOGETHER. TO ONE PERSON. (I know. It’s almost too much awesomeness in one place to handle.)

    Front of Tee (men or women’s style): @WritRams: Welcome to the Land of Sock Monkeys and Lickable Wallpaper

    Back of Tee: 5 Years on Twitter and All I Got Was This Stupid Tee

    HURRY! WEEKEND GIVEAWAY ONLY!


    Because this awesome prize pack will burn a hole in my blog if it sits longer than a weekend, we are closing out entries on Monday, September 3, 2012. (Dude, it’s LABOR DAY. What else will you be doing?)

    MANDATORY ENTRY: Leave a comment on this post on why you love sock monkeys, lickable wallpaper, or both. THEN… come back up to the Rafflecopter app (that big rectangular thing below) and click on “I COMMENTED!”

    There are also other ways to get entries, so I suggest you do those to because when I die you can eBay that t-shirt for at least $4.99.

    Go on. DID YOU HEAR THERE WAS A SOCK MONKEY INVOLVED?!? (Don’t make me come over there.)

    a Rafflecopter giveaway

  • When Willy Wonka, My Imagination and Real Life Collide


     

    If you pay close attention on my blog or follow me on Facebook, you’ve seen my tagline “Welcome to the land of sock monkeys and lickable wallpaper.” It was just something that was born out of my imagination … and Willy Wonka’s.

    But whatever.

    I love it so much that I paid my friend Chad to draw this awesomeness:

     

    WritRams Sock Monkeys and Lickable Wallpaper

    So imagine my surprise and delight when I ran across this little gem online (don’t ask how I found it):

    “THE world’s first lickable lift has been installed in an office block in a bid to elevate the mood of city workers.”

    You can read the full story and see a pic of the world’s first lickable elevator wallpaper.

    I just hope you get there first because, seriously, licking after that kid in the office who always gets cold sores is so not appealing.

  • Mona Lisa Reveals Hidden Animals Controversy


    Years ago, I had the privilege of seeing Leonardo da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” during a traveling exhibit. It was amazing–as amazing as you would expect–seeing this masterpiece with such history attached up close and personal.

    Yesterday, I read an article about a guy who said he has revealed “hidden” animals within the “Mona Lisa” painting. This artist, Ron Piccirillo, has apparently studied da Vinci’s journals and says that you can see shapes of a lion, an ape, a buffalo, a snake and a crocodile within the painting that have meaning from the journals. Piccirillo’s studies have led him to believe that the shapes within the painting, combined with his knowledge of the journals, can be deciphered as the painting representing jealousy.

    As you can imagine, Piccirillo’s statements are receiving flack with many others skeptical about his “findings.”

    However, as someone who has personally seen the “Mona Lisa” I’m here to tell you that I noticed something, too. If you look closely, you may be able to see what I discovered when I viewed and studied the painting:

     

    WritRams Mona Lisa has Animals

     

    I can only decipher this to mean one thing: Drink More Ovaltine.

  • Ninja Cocaine Kitty is Thankful for Fans


    One of the best things — BY FAR — that I’ve received from being a blogger is the gift of friendships that never would’ve happened otherwise. People that I have never even met IRL have become some of my best friends online and closest confidants. We share ups and downs and, well, everything in between. That’s why I was excited when my friend Becky (who I’ve never met IRL) said she sent me a present.

    A REAL LIFE PRESENT THAT YOU CAN TOUCH and HOLD and SQUEEZE and CALL YOUR VERY OWN.

    (Did I mention how much I love blogging?!?)

    As I sat at our counter and ripped open the package, Ninja Cocaine Kitty jumped up and plopped down on the chair next to me. I looked at everyone and said, “Look at THAT. The CAT thinks this present is for HIM. Hahahaaa!”

    And guess what? The present was a set of AWESOME SOCK MONKEY SLIPPERS.

    SOCK MONKEYS.

    SOCK.MONKEYS.

    For ME. Mine, ALL MINE.

    And, Ninja Cocaine Kitty looked on.

    Then I opened the letter:

    Dear Ninja C. Kitty: (I kid you not.)

    I hope you enjoy chasing Jackie around your new house when she wears these slippers. I heard you weren’t feeling so Ninja-y lately so I thought these might inspire you. Merry early Christmas and Happy Housewarming.

    Love,

    Your biggest fan, Secret Agent Kitten

     And here all this time I thought that “Ninja Cocaine Kitty” being the top search on my site was a fluke.

    Sigh.

    WritRams Ninja Cocaine Kitty Fan Gift

  • Yoy-Yoy Approved and Bud 8 Down


    Yesterday, we received a couple of packages in the mail. If you want to make a 3 year old as happy as Christmas morning, give her mail. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bill or a piece of junk, excitement ensues. However, these two packages happened to contain something of interest to E.

    But I’m getting ahead of myself.

    We have a thumb sucker, blankie carrier a la Linus from Charlie Brown in our house. (No, not The Husband.) I’ve mentioned before that we are down to one “night night” (what we call E’s blankie) … and this style has been discontinued. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but this particular type of discontinued blankie has something specific that E needs–namely a “yoy yoy.”

    The Yoy Yoy is something that she came up with on her own. It is one specific corner of the night night that she can slide around between her thumb and forefinger while she sucks said thumb. (Yes, it’s all very complicated, but stick with me.) (And, no, I don’t know why she calls it “yoy-yoy.” I have my suspicions, but that’s for a different post.) We have tried many other night nights and have yet to find another that is Yoy-Yoy approved. This means we are down to one worn, stinky night night (having lost six others). If you have a blankie carrier in your family, then you understand how this is a catastrophe waiting to happen any moment of losing the last night night.

    A few weeks ago, one of my BFFs was here (who E calls Aunt T). Being the crafy talented person that Aunt T is, we went on a hunt for some big blankets to cut down to make night nights. We found one, got it yoy-yoy approved and sent it home with Aunt T. Yesterday, an awesome package arrived with four (FOUR!) new night nights. E immediately grabbed each one, found the yoy-yoy and exclaimed, “They all have yoy-yoys!”

    This package just happened to arrive on the same day that I had ordered a little something for myself. A cute little handmade sock monkey … which E promptly claimed for herself, too.

    Me: What do you think we should name the sock monkey?

    E: Bud.

    Me: But we have three other sock monkeys named Bud. This would be “Bud 4.”

    E: (thinking) No, his name is Bud 8. Bud 8 Down.

    Me: Er, Bud 8 Down?

    E: Yep, Bud 8 Down.

    E: (hugging night nights and Bud 8 Down) These packages rocked.

    WritRams Yoy Yoy Sock Monkey Blankie

     

     

  • Christmas shouts


    It may be a little late for Christmas gift shout-outs, but hey, that’s how I’ve been rolling lately. Go ahead, laugh if you want. However, the people in our lives really brought it in the Christmas gift department this year and whether it’s February or July, they still deserve a shout-out for these extra special gifts.

    (If your Christmas gift pictures aren’t shown in this post, it’s not because you didn’t get cool gifts. It’s because you didn’t get us, um, toys…)

    There was the awesome bundle of sock monkey gifts from various awesome sock monkey people (those of you who say some of them were for Ella: *wink*wink*).

    And, this amazing find from Todd’s brother and sister-in-law:

    WritRams Dick and Jane Book

    This pièce de résistance came from Shannon and Phil… (The package was addressed to my husband, but *we* know the truth, don’t we?)

    WritRams poptart holder

    And, how could I forget this awesome prize pack that I won on Just Margaret’s blog that has kept me entertained for a month now? (DUDE! I never win anything…let alone an Annie Oakley doll AND a baby slinger!)

    WritRams Just Margaret contest

    Thank you to everyone, you made our Christmas. (The thank-yous are in the mail. *ahem*)

  • Get your own toys, Queenie


    Sometimes I steal borrow use E’s toys and *forget* to give them back. (If I didn’t, how would I be able to bring you quality posts such as this?!?)

    Last night, E was in my office looking around at my desk. Since I’m in the process of decluttering my office/life, there are some things that are now blatantly obvious sitting on my desk. (I guess they were kind of hidden before.)

    E: HEEEEY! There’s my little sock monkey!

    Me: Yep.

    E: I want him back.

    Me: Er, um…

    E: He needs to go back to his daddy.

    Me: But mommy likes him here. He makes me feel better while I’m working.

    E: But him daddy need him. (We’re having a few problems with pronouns.)

    Me: But…well…you see, sock monkey acts as kind of a muse for mommy. He helps her work.

    E: Want him.

    Me: Uh. No.

    E: HEEEEEEY! There’s my dinosaur! Give it.

    Me: I can’t.

    E: I want sock monkey and dinosaur.

    Me: Look. I’m in my office a lot. These things make me feel better. You have lots of toys all over the house. Can’t I just keep these two things?

    E: No.

    Me: Why?

    E: Because Ella’s the queen.

    Well, there you have it. The student has learned well. My work here is clearly done.


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