• Spectrum of Friend Gifts


    I have awesome friends, as evidenced by my Christmas gifts. Here are two books I received from two different friends … and both of them are spot on for my personality and interests. I don’t know if this makes them crazy or me.

    Seuss Art Animal House

    If you want to pick up these awesome books, here are the links (or, you can just wait for your awesome friends to buy them for you):

    Dr. Seuss: The Cat Behind the Hat

    Fat, Drunk, & Stupid: The Inside Story Behind the Making of Animal House




  • KIA Escape


    KIA's escape plan

    My bestie, KIA, is here for Thanksgiving. I’ve only ever referred to her as her nickname on this blog due to a 72-page contractual agreement she made me sign over Hurricanes in New Orleans after we danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly one year. (That was a total lie. It was only 46 pages.)

    Anyway, I can’t say that I blame KIA. I mean, she’s a real professional with clients and stuff so I can see how she wouldn’t want to be associated with me in any way that you can link her real self to this blog about poo and boobs.


    KIA surprised me by saying that she was driving the 9 hours to our house this year instead of flying. At first I thought, “Oh, this is just part of her new relaxed self now that she’s running her own business her schedule is a little more flexible.”

    You see, KIA is one of those extremely organized people who always has everything in order. EVERYTHING. KIA is who I want to be when I grow up but know I will never be, so I just continue to do immature things. Like write about poo and boobs.


    So anyway, what surprised me even more than KIA driving was that she didn’t pack a neatly organized suitcase this year. Instead, she threw her things into a laundry basket and carried them in that way. It’s surprising because this is totally something I would do, not KIA, so I was just proud that clearly I was rubbing off on her.

    This morning in the shower I was thinking about KIA (sidebar: not that I think about my girl friends in the shower because I totally don’t–at least not in that way–but what else are you supposed to do while you’re waiting during all that rinse and repeating?) and it hit me: the driving … the laundry basket … all of these are means of easy escape. She’s gearing up to grab-and-go–fleeing from our house at a moment’s notice.

    I can’t say that I blame KIA, I don’t want to be here most of the time either.

  • House Sitting and White Trash Moment


    WritRams White Trash Moments with Mom for Less

    I’m pretty trusting that people will do what they say. I don’t micro-manage–on any level (personally or professionally). I rarely ask questions about how/why people are doing things. However, something happened recently that reminded me that I should probably ask more questions.

    Remember that interesting moment I told you about during my recent vacation? Well, it turns out there were some interesting moments going on back at my house while I was away, too.

    During our vacation, I asked my friend Crystal to check in on the house, water the plants and feed Ninja Cocaine Kitty. I also told her to feel free to hang out here if she needed a quiet place to work.

    She seemed responsible enough … until I get a text on vacation asking, “Do you have any superglue at your house?” I was afraid to ask, so instead we just quietly speculated among ourselves (with the help of margaritas) about where she was supergluing Ninja Cocaine Kitty. (Why did we care? We were on vacation. *See above.)

    A few days later I received a cryptic text asking if she could borrow my car. I obliged, no questions, but was really starting to wonder what was happening at my house while I was gone.

    And then I received this story (shared here with her permission).

    My White Trash Moment

    I had a white trash moment at your house. Z [the husband] was taking M’s car seat out of your car…
    and he decides to take the seat out with M in it. He sets it on the ground and it falls over backwards.

    M was not amused

    Z is all “you’re ok buddy!” and M was yelling “NO! I NOT!”

    So Z just leaves him like that while he finishes making room in the car…as people walk and drive by.

    It was so white trash.

    M is kicking his legs and yelling “NO DADDY, NO!” and Z is just like “Hang in there buddy!”

    It was the longest five minutes of my life. It would only have been worse if Z had been wearing a wife beater. 

    The worst part of it was I was paralyzed in horror and embarrassment. And, of course, your perfect homeschooling neighbors were outside.

    To which I replied:

    This wasn’t why you needed the superglue, was it?

  • Never Drunk Siri


    If you have an iPhone 4, then you’re familiar with Siri. Even if you don’t have an iPhone, you probably know Siri because of all the commercials with famous people having serious conversations with Siri. On those commercials you see celebrities like Samuel L. Jackson having meaningful conversations with that robotic female voice on his phone.

    If you have used Siri, you know that she doesn’t work as smoothly as in those commercials and most of us who use the functionality have a love-hate relationship with her. She often “hears” things you didn’t say and puts words in your mouth or just plain can’t find what you’re talking about.

    A couple of weeks ago, I had margarita night with one of my besties while we were at the beach. During that time, I had to answer a business email so I asked my KIA friend if I should reply with something like “I’ll look into it tomorrow when I’m not getting drunk.” KIA said no that I should say that I’m away from my computer right now having a lesbian experience. For some reason, I felt the need to involve my friend Crystal in the whole thing (not the lesbian experience, of which there was none, btw, but the funny replies). So, what follows is my attempt to dictate an email, er, a bunch of emails, to Crystal using Siri–where I speak the email and Siri dictates it and sends it. Somewhere along the way it started to go awry and these are the emails that Crystal received instead.

    WritRams Drunk Siri Part 1


     WritRams Drunk Siri Part 2

    WritRams Drunk Siri Part 3

    WritRams Drunk Siri Part 4

    WritRams Drunk Siri Part 5

    The response I got back to Crystal?

    “I don’t know what’s going on over there, but this is like Christmas in August for me!”

  • PartyLite: Cool Excuse for a Girls’ Night In


    Call me a little old fashioned about some things, but you know what I think our moms did right? Having the girls over. It seems like my mom and her sister and friends were always getting together for some kind of party or another when I was growing up. Not only did they get to see cool stuff to buy—cooking and storage items, home decorating stuff, makeup—but they also were able to just hang and enjoy each other’s company. Something I think we’ve lost a little of as women today in our busy, multitasking world.

    So, I’m challenging you now, today, to plan a girls’ night in and invite all your favorite gal pals over. Looking for an excuse to get everyone together or something to do while they’re all there? Why not host a PartyLite party? Not only will you get to giggle with the girls, but you will also get to view some really cool scented candles, candle warmers, home decor accessories and reed diffusers—all ways to give your home a new look for little cost each season. (And trust me, this ain’t your mama’s girlie gathering.)

    And, as the host, you can even earn awesome PartyLite things for little to no cost! Just for being you. (Really.) Don’t believe me? Head over to the PartyLite Facebook page to see all the awesome offers for party hosts. And, don’t forget  to check out the new Winter/Spring 2012 catalog to see all the goodies in one place.

    Go on. I’ve given you an excuse to get the girls together. What are you waiting for?

    Visit Sponsor's Site

    This post brought to you by PartyLite. All opinions are 100% mine.

  • Lucy from Charlie Brown is a Capricorn



    In a text between BFFs while we were both watching a “A Charlie Brown Christmas” at our respective abodes…




    Text from Her: Which Peanuts character are you?

    Text from Me: Duh. Clearly Lucy.

    Her: I KNOW!

    Me: Isn’t she the meanest one?

    Me: Hahahaaaaa!

    Me: Oh, wait.

    Her: She must be a Capricorn.

    Me: Hahah…wait. That’s not funny.

  • Ninja Cocaine Kitty is Thankful for Fans

    One of the best things — BY FAR — that I’ve received from being a blogger is the gift of friendships that never would’ve happened otherwise. People that I have never even met IRL have become some of my best friends online and closest confidants. We share ups and downs and, well, everything in between. That’s why I was excited when my friend Becky (who I’ve never met IRL) said she sent me a present.


    (Did I mention how much I love blogging?!?)

    As I sat at our counter and ripped open the package, Ninja Cocaine Kitty jumped up and plopped down on the chair next to me. I looked at everyone and said, “Look at THAT. The CAT thinks this present is for HIM. Hahahaaa!”

    And guess what? The present was a set of AWESOME SOCK MONKEY SLIPPERS.



    For ME. Mine, ALL MINE.

    And, Ninja Cocaine Kitty looked on.

    Then I opened the letter:

    Dear Ninja C. Kitty: (I kid you not.)

    I hope you enjoy chasing Jackie around your new house when she wears these slippers. I heard you weren’t feeling so Ninja-y lately so I thought these might inspire you. Merry early Christmas and Happy Housewarming.


    Your biggest fan, Secret Agent Kitten

     And here all this time I thought that “Ninja Cocaine Kitty” being the top search on my site was a fluke.


    WritRams Ninja Cocaine Kitty Fan Gift

  • That’s What Friends Are For

    My BFF KIA is coming in this weekend. (YAY!) (You may remember, she’s my Target partner in crime.)

     Thank goodness for really good friends. You know, the kind who understand that you’re not perfect and that you didn’t have time to get the gray colored out of your hair or clean out your car (again) or…make her bed.

    You see, KIA is the kind of friend that we can just pull the clean sheets out of the dryer and throw them on the guest bed and she will never mention that she had to travel all that way and then make the bed when she got here.

    That’s just the kind of friends we are.

    Over the weekend, we were discussing some girlfriend stuff on the phone and had this conversation about her upcoming trip:

    Me: “Just so you know, the house will probably still be a total mess by the time you get here.”

    Her: “Oh, so I will have to make my own bed again, too?’

    Me: “Girl, you don’t even have a bed to sleep on this time.”

  • Born to be Coal Miner’s Daughter: the proof

    As many of you know, I love the movie Coal Miner’s Daughter with Sissy Spacek playing Loretta Lynn. There are many reasons for this that I will  detail someday, but for now this is all the proof you need that I was supposed to be a coal miner’s daughter:

    Real Life With Kids has asked me to be a guest judge for their 70’s Country Music Throwdown. Whether you love or loathe country music, you have to check out the contest because the prize packs are like no other you will find on any site. (I promise you that.)

    Go on now, join the fun…and tell them the Coal Miner’s Daughter sent you.

  • Not a puppy (love) costume

    Yesterday, E had a (play) date with The M.

    You may remember M from my previous discussions on this site. He was E’s school bestie that had to change schools when they moved to a different house. They haven’t seen each other for about a month (since E’s birthday). He’s still her best buddy. She tells me this every other day.

    M’s mom and I decided to let the kids meet up at play gym and run out some of their cabin fever. I didn’t tell my girl that M was coming to play gym because I know how things can happen, days can derail and plans can change quickly when you have a three year old. I thought it best to play it safe so I just told E that I had a “surprise” for her at play gym.

    I used the “surprise” as a bribe all morning:

    If you don’t behave, you won’t get your surprise.

    If you don’t get ready, we won’t be able to see your surprise.

    If you don’t let mommy finish getting ready and stop asking for 3,700 changes of cartoon DVDs, we are not going to play gym and I’m canceling your surprise.

    We arrived at play gym first and M came soon after. E was sufficiently surprised and they ran around and played together and had a blast. At one point during the class, I took E into the restroom and asked, “Aren’t you excited for your SURPRISE? Wasn’t it a GOOD SURPRISE?!?”

    E shrugged a no-big-deal shrug and said, “Yeah.”

    “Oh! What’s wrong? I thought you would be excited to see M. Aren’t you EXCITED to see M?!?”

    To which she replied?

    Sure, but it’s no puppy costume.

    Image Credit: Patricia Green