Stupid Ways to Die
Yesterday, I almost fell over the scattered pieces of a “Don’t Break the Ice” game and killed myself. As I was flailing and trying to regain balance, one thing flashed through my mind–no, not a vision of my life’s highlights, instead it was one single thought:
“This is a really stupid way to die.”
I can see the news now, “Woman, 43, trips on Break the Ice and breaks her ass”–some Onion-like headline splayed across newspapers where all my bloggy friends that I never met in real life would tsk and shake their heads whispering to themselves, ”She seemed so much more coordinated online” while wildly typing “Did you hear?” posts into their blogs.
They would then hold a Twitter memorial with the hashtag #SWTDBreakIceAss or something to that effect and it would become a trending topic just under #IWantToAdoptNinjaCocaineKitty and #JustinBieberHair and probably something including #Kardashian.
My Dinger friend once told me that he had a death agreement. If he died in some really stupid way, then we need to make up some normal, mundane way that he died. I guess he doesn’t want to be remembered as the guy who who locked himself out of the house in the dead of winter while wearing only his underwear and was found frozen to death, one cheek hanging out, as he tried to pry open a window that had been painted shut 37 years ago.
However, yesterday’s break my ice-ass happening made me realize that he’s onto something. I really don’t want to be known as that woman who died in some stupid way either. So, I’ve listed out my top five stupid ways that I don’t want to die. If I die in any of these ways, the people close to me will be giving the company line. Namely? “She died peacefully in her sleep.”
Top 5 Stupid Ways for WritRams to Die
5. The whole Break the Ice ass thing. (Because, really?)
4. While having a Merkin applied. (Because, if you’re dumb enough to shave/wax it and then decide it needs a “wig,” why would you want someone to know?!?)
3. Eye exhaustion and over-stimulation from watching Sex and the City episodes for the 3,722nd time. (Because, really? No one needs to know that I miss the girls that much.)
2. Suffocated in my sleep by sock monkey retaliation. (I loved you, man, I loved you. All of you.)
And the dumbest way for me to die, but probably the most likely?
Falling down the stairs and breaking my neck because Ninja Cocaine Kitty broke out mad Ninja moves on me mid-stair.
What about you? What is your fear of a stupid way to die?
About the Author (Author Profile)
Jacqueline Wilson (WritRams) is your flight attendant for this portion of your travels. Please make sure your tray tables are stored and your seats are in the full upright position. Learn how to get me as your personal "flight attendant" or more about how to make money on your blog just like I do.Subscribe
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